Coding Confessional

Anonymous Confessions from Programmers.


Anonymous Confessions from Programmers.

Athleisure is so hot right now!

Business: we need you to write gorgeous maintainable code that lasts for ages. Also Business: can you throw this **** together in an evening, we needed it two months ago and the budget is 20 hours tops.

I'm a member of a dying breed - someone who is not politically correct. I have to pretend to be. I think software development is going to be terrifying in the future because of the SJWs that are graduating into development jobs.

I know a guy who's a scrum master, loves Linux AND is a Social Justice Warrior who recently got married (to a girl) and posted on Facebook, "I hope I can be the man she needs me to be."

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Someone shat in the sink at work on Tuesday. 'Twasn't me.

In the middle of the night a couple of months ago I wake up in a cold sweat, it hits me, I'll never have an original idea, next day I start making a candy crush clone in chinese, I've never made so much money.

So I've pretty much been a masochist since a young age. Daddy choked me as a young kid and knew then that it was something I really enjoyed. What the fuck is wrong with me that I didn't go into this kind of work for a career? I continually spank my tender butt cheeks.

Our code review process is completely messed up. One of my colleague is pinpointing every comma, questionning each loop little at a time, so since I think I'm better at coding then him and he never stops doing that, I'm going to do the same to him.

I think semicolons make people look really smart; everyone will totally ignore that you're nothing special (didn't even make it into any major math competitions or anything, you insignificant dumbfuck) if you just shove in a few semicolons. I admire you guys. No narcissism whatsoever going on. Nope.

I masturbate to older men on Chaturbate whenever I get home from work.

It Is Okay To Code in Php

Ok I had a recruiter contact me two weeks ago about a job... I'm currently testing the market so I talked to him. It sounded interesting but he wanted me to do some weird video interview step. I refused and told him to set up an in person interview. (The office is less than 2 miles from my house). I never heard from him again lol. I'm assuming the job was fake and he was just trying to get a bunch of videos to shop around. That's too weird for me and frankly I'm not sure how it's legal.

I'm forced to use some crap third party software to do some checking on our systems. It's poorly documented, slow and unreliable. On top of that, the support guys are rude, dismissive and stupid. I learned pretty fast that java decompiler is way faster than them. So now my favorite pastime is fucking with them. Example: some moron decided that a sensible way of handling errors during configuration parsing is to catch all exceptions and log "Mandatory parameter missing". Infinite joy for me: configuration file name misspelled, no permission to read the file, parsing error, division by zero and overflow all tickets that they had to fix. Still, the error is "Mandatory parameter missing" ;)

I just found out that 'muricans eat something called granola that's basically müsli with a shit-ton of added sugar and oil so it lumps up into pieces. Never change. Gotta watch out for that healthy stuff.

It Is Okay To Be White

the absolute state of $CLSN

Every day when I'm in the office, I overhear analysts and support engineers talking about bugs I wrote with phrases like "oh that's just the system that did that". I wonder if they're ever going to realize that it's my fault--even when i tell them it is ("Okay that's a bug I wrote can you email me the details so I can ticket it") they still blame "the system". It actually feels like I've got some weird curse-fog between me and them keeping our realities from intersecting...

Dear client, I know you did a google search or two and have some vague notions about how technology works. I'm here to tell you that you don't know shit and no amount of googling is gonna change that, please let me do my job.

I hate recruiters so much. Their opening pitch could be replaced with this template: 1. Brown-nose the prey a bit with some vague bs from two minutes of reading the LinkedIn profile, 2. Make vague references to clients (hint: we don't have them yet), 3. (optional) mention some positions that are completely unrelated to the area the prey works in to make it extra clear that you didn't do any research (PHP for a firmware developer with zero web experience - hey, why not), 4. mention that they prey will be anonymous throughout the process and try to make it seem like that's a good thing rather than just trying to prevent people from cutting out the middleman, 5. ask for a CV in some non-LinkedIn format where it's easier to remove all the identifying information and fuck it up in the process.

So I've pretty much been a masochist since a young age. I started programming as a young kid and knew then that it wasn't something I really enjoyed. What the fuck is wrong with me that I went into this kind of work for a career? I need to stop trying to continually force myself to pick suicide.

When are we going to start hiring homeless people that I get to batter when I get angry. This desk can really only take so many hammer punches.

Oh of course it takes just a couple hours for your "pre-interview exercise". Wait, did you expect production quality full test coverage every change git-tracked deployed to public server that's of course secured and hardened code? OH GO FUCK YOURSELF

I know who the 'Go Fuck Yourself' guy is. I'm gonna pay him a visit tonight :)

I just had a realization. We (people working at software companies) cannot predict what will go wrong or how long things will take. Mainly because we don't have crystal balls around that tell the future. However the DEVs are the only ones accountable to reality (compiled solutions that work), so the business folks (people with their heads up their ass) look good no matter what, while we take all the blame.