Coding Confessional

Anonymous Confessions from Programmers.


Anonymous Confessions from Programmers.

0 unit tests, and I frequently make minor cosmetic changes to the code before uploading it to the production server...

I like writing code in PHP

I run untested code which modifies the whole user table in the production console

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I use unnecessary technical jargon to impress/scare away my co-workers when I don't know jack shit about any of it.

I sometimes cut and paste and test code in staging...

I seriously lack professional skill and don't understand n, log(n), n^2, and similar methods of conversing about optimizations; other than the fact that it has something to do with time. Yet i still am put into situations where i have to develop core system algorithms which are all tied together very poorly.

I didn't take note of any of the steps taken to get my server setup.

I knowingly ruined both of my RAID hard-drives to destroy all evidence of bad code, non-existent doc and general proof of laziness before quitting my previous job... and got away with it...

I always name my test files 'ass' or 'butt' so I can do a 'touch ass' later :-/

I didnt know what fullstack development was until i was hired for a position doing fullstack. (I pretended like i knew what they were talking about during the interview)

I spent hours making design tweaks only to have the feature cut after it was deemed useless.

Bing is my default search engine

I don't comment or document my code

I questions on whenver I cannot solve a problem which I consider very complex.

Ten years ago I wrote my first mySQL web app for a freelance client. None of the tables had primary keys; instead I would just use the created_at timestamp or an email address as a unique identifier. The rest of the app was written in copypasta-procedural-php. There were A LOT of bugs. The scary part is that I sent it around as a code sample when I was applying for jobs... and I got multiple offers. The scarier part is that it still exists... and sometimes... I get asked to make updates to it.

I knowingly waste hours and sometimes even days on premature optimization.

I want to be a developer, but don't have the confidence to get a "real" developer job even though I work with large complex datasets.

I used to be afraid of talking about how good I was at coding at meetups until I realized how little everybody else knows, and how much they talk up their lack of skill. Now I shit on everybody without discretion. That's a lie. I like nice people.

I think people who willingly code in PHP should not be writing software.

I used a naïve n^2 search algorithm when nlog(n) performance could've been achieved just by doing a sort. This was in C.

I think 99% of engineers are utterly unqualified to interview potential candidates.

My confession got condemned, so now I am condemning all of yours