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Coding Confessional

Anonymous Confessions from Programmers.

Confess

Anonymous Confessions from Programmers.

Confess
I'm a developer and I hate the terms 'coding' and 'coder'. I think these terms trivialize what we do. I don't tell anyone this, but everytime they use one of these terms, I hate them a little more

Once I was hired to maintain a church's web page. I wrote satanic messages as comments in the HTML. I also was planning to create a satanic version of that web page to be shown to visitors with a probability of 1/100,000, but unfortunally I quitted the job before finishing this project.

HTML is my favorite programming language.

I once wrote a webservice for my school and only md5-hashed the passwords so they'd look legit and I could easily burteforce them. I then wrote a script to auto bruteforce and check facebook, e-mail etc. logins and used them to get intel on my classmates

Telesketch iPhone App
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A multiplayer, drawing game from the idiot behind Coding Confessional.
I've tried probably 4 times to learn Rails. Each time I do, it's a completely different experience. I've come to the conclusion it was written out of boredom.

I used to develop apps for iOS and Android with Appcelerator Titanium. The SDK was incredibly buggy and keeping deadlines was a constant struggle. I disliked the projects, the clients, the mental exhaustion and being isolated. I quit mid-project and started studying again in a completely unrelated field. After more than a year of sadness I'm finally happy again.

I am absolutely ruthless when asking for an explanation of spaghetti code I find. I'll sit for days until I get an answer other than "just go through the code". No, you made a PHP file with multiple classes that is nearly 10,000 lines. You get to tell me the relevant part I need.

Some of my best programming happens when I'm pooping.

Several jobs ago, they implemented a Windows based timeclock. I wrote a small app that used Win32 calls to allow me to schedule times to clock in and out. I was hourly and would work only about 6 hours a day but got paid for 8.

I once wrote a Reversi program to play against people on Yahoo. When it started beating everyone and people asked what openings I was using I said ridiculous things like the "Suburban Jellyfish" opening.

I sometimes document code with generic documents, so i can use same documentation several times. <3 copy/pste

I changed the Random Seed value using the value of other Random Seed... in the same code line.

A couple of jobs ago I hated the CEO so much that when I left I created a small Windows Service and it installed it on his computer. It monitored his My Documents folder and sent any updated files to an anonymous email account. Some of the files I got was a spreadsheet full of passwords, his application to "The Apprentice", and several photos he took for dating sites. The password file also had his passwords for the dating sites...

After rdp'ing into work with a glass of scotch in my hand, I came to a horrible conclusion: I trust myself in the codebase drunk more than I trust anyone else in my team sober.

So many times I rework my own code and wish I could be able to go back in time and punch my old self in the face.

I fork bombed a server at a programming competition, bringing the entire competition to an end, just because they wouldn't let me go outside to smoke a cigarette.

i worked for groupon

I release iOS apps, testing them with simulator and not wuth a real device.

I'm an iOS developer and my iPhone still runs 5.1

i removed pmd:check from the build server cause no one bothers to fix the pmd violations and the builder complains for days on time, and ill be damn if i fix someone elses violation one more time

I discourage almost everyone I know from going into computer science because I think they are too dumb.

A feature I worked on was put on hold, the patch I put up was old and buggy. I always planned on putting up the correct working patch but never did. Then came the merger and layoffs and the one patch to rule them all was lost forever.

When someone commits a function that takes in more than 8 bytes worth of parameter data, I drop in a first line "return 0;" and re-sumbit it with the message "optimization"

I use type characters in Visual Basic code to confuse other developers because I really dislike doing anything in Visual Basic.