Coding Confessional

Anonymous Confessions from Programmers.


Anonymous Confessions from Programmers.

Every time I look at code I've written more than about six months ago, I say to myself: "Dude. You were an idiot when you wrote this". I'm starting to think I might just be an idiot.

I am a programmer spending his spare time learning how to become a designer...

Whenever someone says they're rewriting everything from scratch because the previous programmers were horrible I question their competence. Maybe they are just too incompetent to understand code they didn't write.

I had discovered a crutial thing to fix in my project aside of scrum tasks. However before I had written a TODO, someone distracted me with a question and I have forgit it. Up to now I still can't recall what it was.

Today was the last day on my job after rebuilding a complex sales system from scratch because the previous coder was an idiot. The manager asked me to put all my files and docs in a shared folder with a password. I made the password "guess" Only my manager who understands my personality understood when I sent our my last email and stated "guess - the new password."

I like agile done right.

American programmers are the worst. Lazy, entitled, and apathetic. My coworkers and myself do the same work for a third the price and twice as fast. Thank you for sending us your jobs because we are good at them.

I'll never work at Google because I don't know how to invert a binary tree.

No matter the project, if I hear a raspberry pi is involved I start liking it.

"I don't know" has become my best friend in this industry

Scrum masters, wow, really.

I've written computer games in Excel so that I can play them and still appear to be working.

I must confess, that I'm working on a bigger web project and use a mixed style of object-oriented php and procedural php .. Although I master oo in Java, I hate using it with PHP .. I also mixed up the MVC structure of the framework I am using for user authentication .. in the end I don't care much about it ... it is just supposed to work and as long as this is given I don't even feel ashamed.

I hate to admit this, but I love Java; it was my first programming language, and while, more than a decade later, I'm proficient in many languages (from JS to C to Lisp) and many IDEs (from vim to VS) nothing gives me the same sense of productivity and satisfaction as writing something in Java with IntelliJ. I deserve your condemnation.

I don't think Jira solves everything.

I wrote one line of code today

As someone who turns out custom chunks of C++ requested by engineers at a government agency, I have no idea what node.js, mongo, or what any other 1000th iteration of the flavor of the month is... and I don't care to learn either.

I blurted out "This uses node.JS and mongo? It's written in hipster" in work today about a product we make. Whoops

Getting hounded by recruiters - I pretend I don't like it, but I do.

I keep trying to find alternative terminology to avoid speaking or writing the acronym for "asynchronous javascript and xml" because it is also the name of the footballclub I despise the most

I'm pretty sure we work in a disaster driven development pattern.

I wish I could find a therapist that specialized in treating programmers. It takes up all my session time just trying to explain what I do and what stresses I have.

My CEO frequently makes code changes, deploys broken shit to production, then hops on a plane where he is out of contact for hours/days. The only way I've found to discourage this behavior is refuctor the code *just* enough so he's afraid to touch it. I refuctored code. I hate myself.

I lost my passion for programming, and became a paralegal. Another reason to hate my life.

Morale in my team has been steadily deteriorating (for reasons too lengthy to go into). The ship isn't sinking, yet, but I'm terrified to leave this job because the money is excellent, and I'm not sure I'll be able to get the same amount of money elsewhere.

I still get a buzz out of even the most simple recursion.

I feel like a fish out of water in this industry, most of the software developers I have ever worked with are/were weird critters and I don't think I will ever understand their mentality. Is it just me?

I found this in JS: { ... redirectUrl: '/WebClient/WFM/#/workforce/tasks/my/', // const ... } and I don't care

Side projects are not for any kind of portfolio building. Side projects are just to prove that - if you can control what you're allowed to implement - you can produce something that doesn't suck.

I figured out a way to absolve/condemn as much as I want. I won't share it because I want to abuse that power.

I work as an in-house developer, and I really hate the us-vs.-them, xenophobic fortress mentality that my fellow engineers have when it comes to the rest of the business. "They aren't nerds don't talk to them!" The way I see it, I work for the sales team, not against it.

Developers who pirate software/music/movies don't deserve their jobs. If you steal other people's work, why do you expect someone to pay you?

I reckon Haskell is given a free pass on bad conventions like single character variables and esoteric identifiers like <$> and >>= which - in most other languages - would be called out for poor style.

When people ask me what programming language I used at my previous job I tell them I used C#, when actually I learnt programming using VBA and used that most of the time

I hate when other people get congratulated for a job I've done alone.

Sometimes I play the game I´m developing instead of working, and tell that I´m testing.

Firebird is a sad excuse for a database and we are forced to use it. I've gotten so cynical that I just straight off assume that Firebird either "can't do that" or "will suck at doing it properly" and I just write functions to handle those things in the front-end.

My Software team "leader" has suggested that he'll delete all the unit tests when I leave the company at the end of the month.

In my debug messages, sometimes I use "name = value", sometimes "name: value".

I should be working right now

I never actually memorize code chunks. I store them up to copy-paste later.

I fucking hate NoSql and anything to do with it.

Our static analyser is so embarrassing we don't use it. Close to 80% of our classes have hard dependencies on three or more other classes that have hard dependencies on classes that... Our test coverage is on average under 15%... Our codes is so bad that if I want to test code I write it I have to write mitigation classes if I use our libraries...

90-day password expiration = {WhateverYourPasswordIs}01, {WhateverYourPasswordIs}02, {WhateverYourPasswordIs}03...

I haven't changed my password since 1992

If you use proprietary software, you deserve being spied on and having your data stolen.

The sharing buttons on each confession add like 5 seconds to page load time. Thanks web developers.

It's amazing anything works at all.

I have a coworker who impatiently says "We don't have time" whenever I point out how truly low our test coverage is, or whenever I ask why we continue to use broken workflows like "I commited because it works on my machine". He's been saying this the entire time I've worked at this job. The current project is <50k LOC and it's been in active development for three years with absolutely nothing released.