Coding Confessional

Anonymous Confessions from Programmers.


Anonymous Confessions from Programmers.

It scares me the growing number of people who are just "API gluers", and don't care about that.
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I was promised a job about Unity 3D and Kinect. I ended wasting one year of my life doing scripting in Linden for OpenSimulator/Second Life. I left, and I still want to kill them.
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It's 2014 and I'm still using Sourcesafe 2005. My boss won't let me move to the free Microsoft TFS cloud host.
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I do kegels during our daily scrums
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I have advanced on my programming career nicely, but now when I hit a project that I feel is a death march, or I don't like the manager, or I feel is boring or convoluted... I look for a new job and let them to keep rolling on their own hurdles. I think this would be normal. I just feel bad for the company, but also i know they wouldn't feel bad on firing me, so good luck!
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I feel I'm in a minority because I'm a non-web developer, and am slightly smug because of it. You're not a real programmer unless you've developed real software in a language without garbage collection.
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I had a panic attack during a job interview for a software developer and I think that might be somebody trying to tell me the job wouldn't be good for me....
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I am having to resort to an ugly hack because I cannot change an API but need to add new features to a library. It really bothers me but no one is interested in giving me the time to fix the issue properly.
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Was told that in our enterprise environment, we were to start using "creative" and "disruptive" technology. LOL.
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I love to criticize other's code. I don't know how to do it right, but I still tell them to improve it.
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I tell my clients I am an expert developer and I have only been coding for the past year.
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I support the Brendan Eich ouster, partly because his politics are retrograde, but mostly because of Javascript.
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What's documentation?
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I just noticed my boss says the same things as the (satirical) @PHP_CEO Twitter account.
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My LinkedIn profile lists Social Media expertise and Facebook/Twitter API knowledge. I don't have accounts on either.
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Why can we write highly complex, safety-critical systems in a small CPU with a handful of MHz and some KB of RAM, yet a web browser requires hundreds of megabytes of RAM and a gigahertz CPU just to render a simple web page in less than a few seconds?
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I write my best code when under a deadline, tired, on a slow computer, looking at a small screen, typing on a painful keyboard, and using a terrible IDE, because, that way, I am so frustrated, that I actually write working code rather than trying to write perfect code.
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I have to review another developers work that while being an ASP.NET web form is neither standard ASP.NET using server side controls nor is it modern JavaScript using anything like an MVVM pattern. It is a long purely procedural mash up of page methods calls and emitting tr/td's in a loop client side and where the bulk of the code is inside $(function(){}); I am not sure how to tell him that it is basically classic ASP spaghetti code done client side.
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I wish I could be a developer/programmer/coder too...however I am too dumb to understand any programming language. I tried learning C, C++, C#, Objective C, but nothing seems to go in my head! I want to be a software tester or Quality Analyst in which no one gives a f**k about coding.
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Omg Why do I have to work with these people ? (Green: mine, Red: theirs)
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My coworker writes really ugly code. jquery is included twice, depending on the page it is. He doesn't care about using the latest version, he just takes the one referenced by the code he copy pastes (in my case it was 1.1.4)
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Because my team doesn't want to use git, I gave the idea that every one has one file he only touches, for example john has john.css, david has david.css and mary mary.css
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After working with it for a year, I have come to prefer VB.NET to C#.
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What I tell management. The ORM mapping expression generator was not taking into account the aspect oriented attributes we use to annotate the members of the data entities in the domain model. What I tell the programmer who has to fix it. We had some typos, copy and paste error, it can be fixed with a search and replace. Put it in as a 5 point ticket since they are up our asses on it and deserve to suffer.
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I look at all the packages for Python and I can't help but think how incredibly extraneous they are. Do we really need a BioPython tool that reads a sequence of nucleotides and counts the number of times a letter appears? That takes 2 seconds to write.
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When I started current job my only option for a laptop was a crappy Dell Latitude. Six months later everyone is allowed to get a Mac Pro. I keep plotting ways for the laptop to break in a so I have to get a new replacement. However as my boss knows how much I really want one I can't get away with spilling beer on it. That's not my confession though, my confession is that I'm posting here so I can get ideas on how to break it without looking like I broke it.
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When I'm low on cash, I take freelance "web design" jobs and use Foundation/Bootstrap templates.
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I strictly cannot start coding until the structure of the code is exactly as I do/like in my other codes (no/some extra break lines where I use to have them, structure of the curly brackets, etc.)
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I always use forums and stackoverflow as a reference while coding but I never post or answer any questions myself
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I want to condemn those who use the wrong homophone, no matter what their confession says. "Piece" should be "peace". "Payed" should be "paid".
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I used to hate C++, but 2 months after starting my Data Structures class in it, I remember the syntax, and love it like I did at the end of my first semester C++ class.
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Software dev is polluted with buzzwords and crap that makes it sound more difficult than it actually is. This shit needs to stop. WHO'S WITH ME?????
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Sometimes I hear co-workers discuss something and feel really stupid. They talk like they know it all. So to be in piece I go and review their code and I feel brilliant again.
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I wrote an easter egg that, under certain conditions, searches a textbox for swear words and appends "waffle" to the end of them. It only does this if the swear word in question is a noun. I spent more time on the easter egg than I did on the window layout.
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I often give my compiler terminal window the one finger salute as soon as it starts compiling my project, just to establish dominance in case it finds errors in my code.
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I just started a new job, and in the source repository I found this line: "// This nightmare is yours now" I'm suddenly having second thoughts about taking this job...
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I only read coding confessional when sitting on the toilet, because people might get suspicious if I look too cheerful while "working".
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My company posted an article on LinkedIn on how to apply and come and work for them. The first comment on the article asked why someone would like to work for such a dysfunctional, poorly run company. Upon reading I couldn't help but smile and think "my thoughts exactly".
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I got a ticket that said, that the loading indicator is not seen long enough and proposed weaker servers or a sleep(x) statement as the solution.
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Despite being in a supposed "engineering" role I'm under-employed and experience significant skills rot on the job. There's almost no tech industry to speak of in the region (it's a backwater) so I'm looking to relocate after years of living here. I'm so tired of spending my spare time writing bullshit data structures and mock-up web apps just to keep my skills passable, and I'm seriously losing confidence in my ability and beginning to hate the tech industry.
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I am getting very irritated by my arrogant lead dev. He probably does not know that I am better payed, maybe I should let it slip out.
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I've had a productive day, come home, read an article on the Law of Demeter and now I know the code I wrote earlier today needs to be fixed.
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I often mistype local host names. So I simply added the typos to the hosts file.
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We've been in certification with a major bank for the past 30 days, having them ensure that our files meet their specifications, etc. Every few days, they report some new problem and ask for new files. We just passed certification today; they report that all issues with the files have been resolved and thanked me for quickly correcting the issues. I've been sending the exact same files the entire time.
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I'm trying, without my girlfriend's knowledge, to get our baby's first words to be "Hello World."
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I was promised a more interesting job opportunity over a year ago but I am still waiting for the possibility to transfer. It frustrates me so much that I have given up on doing anything more than a half-arsed job.
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I am so happy to read one of the founder's of the Agile manifesto say "Agile is dead". Finally! I don't wanna hear about scrum, agile, kanban or what so ever... NOMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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I use SQL to perform tasks that might be better suited at the application layer.
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I don't know about algorithms or data structures.
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I have the perpetual feeling that the stress from this job is going to kill me.
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