Coding Confessional

Anonymous Confessions from Programmers.


Anonymous Confessions from Programmers.

I'm not interested in company BBQ's. I'm not interested in going away for the weekend, leaving my wife behind, on so-called team-building trips. I'm not interested in going bowling. My work life and my private life are separate. Why is it that I feel I'm being pressured?

Golang designers introduce array types as prefix e.g. []byte so that developers *feel* smart.

I just realized that all of my professors are nerds.

I'm sorry, but I think all the programmers I know who look down on dem college edumecated programmers what needed book learnin' do they's job are fucking retarded. They NEED to go back to school. I say the most basic shit to them, and they think I'm speaking fucking French, and, here's the piss in the face, that I'M the one being stupid because they don't understand freshman year CS concepts and terminology.

ORMs like Entity Framework and NHibernate are slow as fuck when querying databases, compared to stored procedures, yet nobody dares mention this elephant in the room. I'd rather not use them.

Untitled Someone drew this diagram for me earlier to explain our integration testing strategy. I didn't get it, so they drew thicker, bolder lines. I still don't get it, and probably won't ask again.

I'm going to quit right at the end of the probation period, because I need the money but don't want to be forced to stay for two more months.

Iqkg4el I use unless in Ruby and think its pretty great

Despite having worked in tech for over 10 years, every time I hear someone use the phrase "take a dump of the database" I have to hold back a little giggle. It just doesn't get old.

Once a value thought out of the box, suddenly memory leaked.

There is some final preparations before an important release and so far everything looks OK (which means it's a trap) - my plan is to sneak away while I still can - wish me luck :)

Sometime a junior developer should be able to take a good punch.

90% of my apps are either CRUD apps or Wordpress blogs. I think I'm in hell.

When I job hunt I lie my ass off about my qualifications. The new job won't call my current job. I'll just learn on the job or before the interview.

Satan Created Magento

I don't give a shit about code quality. When I leave the job I'm gone. Why should I care? I'm not going back.

I'm not an expert in high traffic systems. The recruiter hacked my cv.

Sometimes, I feel like every other programmer I'd be competing with for a new job or on the job is a workaholic rockstar who thinks sleep and breaks are just wasted time that could be spent working and learning. Then I remember the people I graduated alongside of.

I start writing a function that returns something. I don't like seeing red from "not all code paths return a value", so I put in a return null for starters. Several hundred lines of code later, both in said function and in helpers, it's all done, and feeds into the rest of the system logically, but not yet tested. "I'll do it tomorrow", I tell myself. Later on, a shower thought: "But I created a special struct for the return, and haven't yet updated the required data type for the rest of the system. Why is it not erroring all over the place?" I check the code, and sure enough, I never replaced that return null I put in for starters. There's nothing quite like the feeling of narrowly dodging a session of frustrating debugging.

I don't want to spend my evenings and weekend on personal projects and FOSS contributions. My stack overflow score is low and I've only used github for work. I love programming but don't want to do outside of work.

I can't help looking at frond-end developers as they were spoiled babies in search for a new toy.

I delivered a RESTful service for a client using log4net. After the fact the client decided the service needed to use semantic logging. I asked the client to define the events that were to be logged. After some huffing and puffing by the project manager, he determined log4net was more than suitable.

Our lead is super productive because he knows his code base by heart, doesn't give a fuck about maintainability and doesn't answer to anybody. I'm under productive because every time I work on a feature, I have to figure out his code and then to go through at least two rounds of code reviews from another teammate who wants everything done perfectly. After I'm all done, a half day task for him takes me four days. It's fucking frustrating.

Static methods is Java's proof that classes shouldn't be used for everything in your language.

<script> var c_arr = []; <?php foreach ($s_arr as $i => $val) { ?> c_arr[<?= $i ?>] = <?= $val ?>; <?php } ?> </script> There is a special place in hell reserved for this

write some SQL for a consultant and he can select * today , teach him some SQL and he can select * for life

My 5th month of a new project - management is not present - first daily stand-up run just by dev's - first one which was actually efficient, short and reasonable.

I never bothered to learn git conflict resolution. I just abort and manually edit patches.

I spend at least one day a month paralyzed at the thought that I'm not a good programmer. I look at my clients' code and laugh at how terrible some of it is, but deep down I know I've written worse. I panic thinking that I don't know enough and I never will. 92% of the time I'm a normal guy; girlfriend, family, friends, pets, a taste for single malt scotch... But for that other 8% I'm a total fucking wreck.

I will run `git checkout --ours .` during an interactive rebase, and after adding all changes to the staging area, I always attempt to run `git rebase --continue`, even though I'm 100% certain that only `git rebase --skip` will work. I have to confirm that the warning appears before skipping. Every time.

Sadly my employer doesn't care about my programming skills but does care about my ITIL certification.

Agile? Show me an agile project of a fair size and I bet the code is a big unmaintainable fucking mess. Oh it might work, but keep piling the shite on ... "Technical debt" is just a way of saying "we'll do it later" - but nobody ever gets round to it.

Enterprise Architecture Patterns? Domain Driven Design? IOC containers? All are ways of making a simple 12 page application bloat out into some fat fucking unmaintainable mess that takes a year to compile.

I believed the lies I was told suit my interview. Again. It's always bullshit. Phoning it in from now on.

I just discovered this on a git repo remotes/origin/master remotes/origin/master_backup

There's guy named Adam Speight, every time I read his name Adam Spaghetti, perhaps because of his coding style. If you read this, I couldn't help it, sorry.

Golang Reason number five to hate Go. Seriously what the fuck is this.

Reason number five for hating Python: "SyntaxError: invalid syntax"

I think the HR parts of the interview process at my company are there to ensure that I'll never have a coworker with more personality than a piece of cardboard.

I think Agile and Scrum are passing fads. In twenty years we'll look back at this as the obnoxious hipster phase of software development.

I was using Chrome. i sometimes don't use proxy, when i visit websites. I was coding photoshop layouts some time ago. I sometimes use Skype.

// Evil laugh -- a good heads up to the spaghetti code.

I do RE for fun, and am decent at gdb, IDA etc. But nothing beats printf when it comes to debugging my own code.

Rubber-duck My rubber duck helped me more than the Eclipse debugger. For the reference:


I steal butter from the office fridge.

I went to an interview prepared to answer questions about graph traversal, quicksort vs mergesort, and how I'd handle data larger than memory... instead I got tripped up on a noob Java variable scope question.

Github is down. Now we can get back to work.

I quoted 300 hours for a fairly small project just so I could learn how to use Ruby on Rails.