Anonymous Confessions from Programmers.
I don't know why I make a detailed task plan. My lead will just tell me I'm wrong anyway.
I change local variable names so that all the assignment operators line up.
Somedays, when I work 30 minutes on a really painful project, and 4 hours on a really interesting/fun one, I switch the times around in our timetracking. That customer deserves to be billed more for being a dick.
Some customers frustrate me so much, that I seriously consider quitting my job (which I like), just so I don't have to work with them anymore.
I develop in java. My brother wants to start coding in c#. I hate him if he really does
Anyone who doesn't know how pointers work, how bit flags work, and the bit operators (and/or/xor) work cannot call themselves developers.
I am an intern in this well known IT company in my country. I've been placed in a team filled with great Software Engineers. I feel pressured, I feel that I need to keep up with them. BUT GEEZ I AM JUST AN INTERN
I never add alt=".." attribute when I create an <img> tag. I know I should.
I lose code all the time. A year ago I wrote the most brilliant library which saved me days of coding and testing. I started a similar project and for the life of me can't find that library.
I've seen a disgusting colleague from work 'take a quickie' whilst coding. I don't care.
I wrote code that would intentionally fail spectacularly, at critical moments, in order to shame a nonpaying customer. They never realized what happened when they had massive data loss.
There's a point where I just stop caring that my webpage's spacing is how I intended it to be.
I used to quote a half day to complete a one-hour project. Then I quoted a day. Now I quote a week. I am considering bumping my minimum quote up to two weeks. Everything I code is an example of Hofstadter's law.
I strictly enforce code formatting in my Github repo. I provide the guidelines to my contributors, and before I merge a Pull request I make sure they've formatted it properly. It's not that I have a problem with different styles, but I have to read and work on this code all day every day and it's much easier if it's all in one format.
Building a task schedule. Angel on my left shoulder "you should pad the time on that task more, there's a lot of unknowns about it. Devil on my right shoulder "Screw that, it's only implementing a button. Ten minutes tops!"
I hate confessions that include peoples salaries (eg confessions that start with "I earn 100k...")
After two months of discussions on naming, directory and other not even polishing changes in my team I feel that I'm slowly becoming a great bike-shedding expert.
Nine months ago I had my first major depressive crisis. One Sunday I was sitting on my balcony, thinking about what I had to do the next day; I started crying uncontrollably at the thought of coding. Now I'm a pentester.
I spend a lot of time doing refactoring on things that already work, and I don't have to interact with. Just for the sake of it.
Mistakenly wrote a non-random code to pick tickets in a raffle.
I code better when I'm drunk. My current boss think I'm a very good coder...
I constantly over-complicate things and find myself re factoring my finished code to optimize and remove unnecessary nonsense, taking 3 to 4 times more than I should to complete even the simplest of projects.
I spend the first hour of the day trying to figure out what the hell I was doing yesterday. I write myself notes at the end of the day with instructions on where to look and what to do to get started the next day, but they feel like they were written by a different person. This only happens with boring "enterprise" work stuff but it freaks me out.
I have been ordered to have a different "jargon" password (e.g. "D%sd9.0-2Rt") for every system we have, which numbers a couple of dozen. On top of that they change every week so I've taken to writing them down on a notepad in my desk drawer. I can hear my security and encryptions professor's screams in my head at night.
I dream about using a Watch_Dogs-style EMP against my coworkers.
I am recently so very disappointed with the quality of questions and answers on Stack Overflow that my reputation is slowly going down with all the (deserved) downvotes I keep putting out. I hate downvoting, but it's just so bad!
My friend is an amazing programmer, and is currently doing the apprenticeship course I wanted to do. I secretly take his code, and try to re-write it and use it as my own. I feel bad... But at least i am learning?
5 years that i use PHP and i still have to check the manual to see the parameters's positions of mktime()
I quit music for a computer science degree. My music teacher was so disappointed, he moved cities. I get why, now.
I wrote a php login form and I was to lazy to validate the user data.
I switched from Java to PowerThirst, now my code runs faster than Kenyans!
I am an 'Enterprise Java Developer'. I write 5 lines of code, and spend the other 99% of my day neck deep in XML wiring those 5 lines together.
We added an Easter egg to our application to commemorate a guy who committed suicide while working for our company on our share point solution.
Every piece of code that I write at work then I write it again in Brainfuck at home.
Six months ago I added a Konami Code that brings up a gigantic picture of my bosses head to the jQuey library in our company's web project boilerplate. No one's noticed yet.
Except rare cases when everything is down, ASAP is not a deadline and means "as slow as possible" to me.
Our office has an arcade machine, nerf guns and a few other toys. The owners really want to make it like Google, where it's just a fun place to hang out, in hopes we won't mind working overtime. Unfortunately, the whole place has this weird musty smell, kind of like cat pee, so we all leave at 5pm exactly.
The professor just spent 45 mins teaching us how to build a website layout with TABLES! Fucking community college...
I was really excited to learn about design patterns an uni, only to discover that half of them aren't applicable to my (dynamically typed) language of choice, python.
One of my co-workers is not only lazy, he's a bad programmer. So I've been writing things in an intentionally over complicated way, just to frustrate him. Watching him swear under his breath and pound his fist on the desk from across the room has been great but I just found out he's quitting (probably in part because of me.) So in two weeks I'll be left alone with this mountain of needlessly complicated code. I think I'll ask my boss if I can spend a few weeks refactoring...
The team I work in believes developers need nothing more but a good old if-then-else. Any problem can be solved by nesting ifs.