Coding Confessional

Anonymous Confessions from Programmers.


Anonymous Confessions from Programmers.

The project I joined has been created entirely by three people without specs or requirements, and no textbook OOP patterns. I wasn't onboarded at all, I've repeatedly asked for training and been ignored, and it's been three months and I barely understand how to use any of their infrastructure. I'm not sure how not to get fired.
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I get twice as much done on my personal projects in a few hours over the weekend than I do all week at my job. I think what makes the difference is that my personal projects are ruby/rails sites (not enterprise java applications) and they don't require 90% test coverage or 2 code reviews per commit.
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They say Osmium is the world's densest material. Obviously they haven't met my team lead.
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I have never seen my team lead eat or go to the bathroom. He also speaks in a monotone. I secretly think he's a robot.
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We have our git repo on a cheap USB stick.
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I was asked to create a piece of code to fix someone else's mess in a migration. My instruction were make it work make it efficient, there are a lot of objects to fix. On completion I was asked why I was using threads and why I was using an algorithm to correct the issue instead of creating a complex and tediously slow taxonomy class to find corresponding items. Honestly I wonder if this new solution architects up to scratch
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I am mainly an MVC with ORM coder. I was phone screened and accepted for an in person interview to do Silverlight development which appears nowhere on my resume. I was assured it did not matter. Turns out all they do is Silverlight and don't trust ORM's so they hand code all data access crud boilerplate. Thanks disys.
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I got docked today during a code review because I put all of my smaller "helper" functions at the top of the file, and the main workhorse function(s) (typically the one being exposed publicly to the rest of the application) at the bottom. I think I picked it up reading Clojure code, and really like it. I'm at the point now where I instinctively jump to the bottom of any code file to see where the cool parts are, and can't believe this isn't the norm in more places.
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For kicks, I like to push a broken build to master and then tally up how many commits everyone made to master until someone finally notices the build is broken.
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When I start a project, I don't choose the language best suited to the job, I choose the language I find most interesting at the time.
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I honestly don't get the whole buzz about functional programming. There certainly are things it is good for, but most of the time when I hear people talking about it they sound like half baked devs who just entered "a new era" in CS.
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Today, a work mate said: "Your salary won't be paid by good coding practices"
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For sending test APK builds to our client for them to look over, I had to create a quick test certificate to self-sign the app. As it was for testing, I used a simple, hideously insecure but quick to type password for ease of entering the details multiple times throughout testing. Quite a long while after, I wasn't in the office, and the app needed pushing live, so my co-workers pushed the most recent published build to the Play Store... Now, the client has an app on the store with a keystore file with my terrible test password. And I can't simply throw an update up with a new keystore because you can only update apps using the same keystore file/details. Oh dear.
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I was out on a (rare) heavy nights drinking last night. I got into work past midday. The screen is blurry and I cant focus. Going to knock off at 3pm when my manager goes home. Noone will care
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I got tired of seeing sixty commits every time my coworker fixes a couple of bugs, so I rebased all of their changes and forced it to the remote repo. Now everyone is complaining that their local histories are out of whack when they pull, and since I know he reads this, I just want to say "I'm sorry this has happened, but actually it is all your fault."
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I am spending the next hour on the internet doing whatever the hell I want instead of work because the first scrum stand up meeting at new job went for 38 minutes with only three developers.
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Our manager has decided that the most important thing about scrum is burning down to 0 every sprint. In order to accomplish this goal, it was decided to extend the sprint so everyone can complete more items to "maintain" the velocity. This is on top of the fact that they're counting partial points, burning down items with defects, and excluding "bad sprints" from the rolling velocity. How is this scrum?
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Writing server-side tests for our product is like pulling teeth. Feedback takes several minutes for even a single test suite due to setup overhead. Worse, we wrap test failures and errors in generic "problems occurred" exceptions, which adds another layer of log-hunting to find real issues. There's virtually no hope for fixing it. The test infrastructure is supplied to us from another layer, by another team, written years ago. Pushing to get it fixed will hit a wall of management bureaucracy and lack of resources. Trying to roll our own will hit the same. And so something as vital as fast test writing becomes an unnecessary exercise in loathing and frustration.
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I purposefully watch minor bugs go through because the junior devs are too stuck up to ask questions in the design phase. Then when things break I can rake them over the coals. I've stopped caring about everything.
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After a couple of months without any hardcore programming, today I finished a program that will generate a new set of data for a spreadsheet. Its inputs will come from 3 other spreadsheets with different formats, a database and manual encoding. I wrote my famous variables for "for loop" like "x","y","z","i","j", defined array variables like "arr" and "qwe", put magic numbers that only god and I know what each mean when I wrote them, and nested them within 6 levels of "for loops" and "if-else" statements. Some may call this the "spaghettiest" code ever. I know that code reviewers will feast on this kind of code but I WILL NOT REFACTOR THIS. This is my baby, my creation. Forgive me oh lord of PSR Standards for I have sinned. I hope that other programmers will not condemn me for this.
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What's difference between websockets and <marquee>? end result is the same am i right?
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We have ASP.classic apps in production.
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Games dev working in big corp company for big money, and no data management experience. Just looked at my next abinitio project and I honestly don't give a shit...
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One fellow senior co-worker that is most likely more payed than me is always asking me for help with simple programming tasks. I have stop helping him after realizing that he just want to get me to do his work. Nowadays I just guide him to the solution and no matter how simple the problem it is, he cant seem to solve them *grin*
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Work in a small firm and my co-workers love static functions and class variables for things that should be function variables. I have stop caring... When I do stuff in their code I also do It..
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Stuck in a waterfall development process with 12 months of development. With little or no customer involvement, no testing. And loads of emergency bug fixes, no planning, no organisation, insane goals without any resources. My boss recently told us that we have an agile development process during a meeting. I asked him if it is not more involved in having a agile process than having random not to so short meetings 1-3 times a week. He did not get what I meant.
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In a technical interview, I was told that I switched the definitions of the protected and default access modifiers in Java. They said that default gives access to subclasses, while protected does not. I checked at home after that and it turns out they were wrong. :\
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My boss likes doing MS Projects for time and workload estimates on everything. She told me today she wants a time estimate on a complex install with a 70 page manual by Friday for no real reason other than "she wants it done". I told her I'd rather take more time to give her a meaningful estimate. She said that if I can't give her a detailed estimate by Friday, I can instead give her a percentage of my time that I will be devoting to the project, and she will "back out a time estimate" based on the (arbitrary) duration she's given the project. It makes me wonder what the point of her estimates are if they're obviously such junk science.
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I have never been in a place where people tries so hard to appear as smart even if that means stepping on other's heads. That's why I quit.
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catch (Exception ex) { /* this should never happen */ }
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My team "follows" TDD principle. We write tests after code changes are finished. We test every single line of code. Any code change breaks tests, even if the change actually fixes a bug.
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I sometimes feel like if I were batman.... I fix the big issues that other people don't The authorities often don't appreciate my interventions I sometimes have to wonder if the remedy doesn't create a bigger mess, since the other programmers know that someone will fix their issues.... I feel sad today, because I'm starting to think that I should let people deal with their own mess, and stop caring and investing myself. I feel I should stop thinking of a team, with common objectives. Let's just show the issues and let people swim in their ocean of mediocre code. I could fix it twice faster than they will, but it seems it's a bad idea!
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I think most technical recruiters are like used car salesmen, except the don't know anything about the product they are selling.
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I just got an email with a link to a survey regarding staff meetings and employee engagement. The survey is not hosted on or any other third party survey site, but on our corporate intranet. Guess who isn't going to take this survey?
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I totally get the importance of code reviews and the famous Linus/Raymond law, ,ut that doesn't stop me from HATING it! In our project, we don't allow something to be committed before all reviews are done, and sometimes during the 8th review iteration someone can find a hidden problem that they didn't spot before and require you to rewrite everything - which will then be reviewed again. Having to review other people's code is even worse, and I'm not even counting here the opt-out reviewers: those who say everything is fine without really looking at the code. I really wish I had a proposal for a process that is less stressful and can still catch the same amount of problems...
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A "senior" developer said "we don't have time to write tests" today. I really wish my team had adult supervision.
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I just had my annual performance review. At one point, my boss told me that he could see me facing down my fears. It took prettymuch everything I had to not burst out laughing.
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I furiously ran `git blame` to find out who was responsible for all this shitty code I had to clean up: It was me, 18 months ago.
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At my job we are using SVN and are supposed to commit everything to the trunk. We don't do any branching because our automated build system isn't set up to build off of a branch and the developer who set it up keeps pushing back on branching. As a result when we want to stabilize the build we don't commit anything for a week except for hot-fixes. For everything else we are told to manually back it up to zip files on a server until we can commit it. Wtf? Isn't that what SVN is for?
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I've just noticed a bug in a wip project I was working on that has been given to an intern to see what he is worth. I wonder if he'll find it and make the project work.
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I just wrote a 500 word commit message. Nobody will ever read it. I'm wasted on my colleagues.
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I write 'enterprise' code without even the slightest hint of consideration for performance--most of our platforms tools to improve performance make code hard to debug. They'll complain if it's slow right?
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Our company has stopped using Team Foundation Server's work backlog system to capture requirements and reverted to kanban cards. We've ditched a software solution for a manual one. Way to go, agile!
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I have a 3TB external hard drive using NTFS that is unbearably slow in Linux. While backing everything up so I can reformat it to ext4, I ran out of space on all my other drives. After asking around for extra drives, someone at work asked if I had at least 50% capacity available on the 3TB drive. I said yes. He asked why I didn't just use gparted to reformat half the drive's space and copy to that, and then reformat the rest. I immediately felt like a giant moron for not thinking of that myself, and wasting the last 4 days making a backup of my drive at ~800kB per second.
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The version of "SCRUM" or "Agile" that was jammed down our throats has resulted in 8 of the 9 developers on our team leaving over the past 6 months.
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I have been checking nodejs CMS frameworks for the last couple of days, I am starting to understand the frustration of the majority of developers with js developers, out of 5 major frameworks, I could barely find one with some decent code.
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I just learned about "fold" - left fold and right fold after 25 years programming I'm suddenly excited that there is something new to learn again and worried that I missed it until now.
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We have literally less than 20% test coverage (in most cases, 0%), and no staging environment. Not that it would help, since the code is full of untestable antipatterns written by "experts". I'm on thin ice at work because I'm "taking too long" to get our most important production application up to code quality standards that we put in place 6 weeks ago.
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I spent most of the last days exploring the Stream API of Java 8 (we are actually stuck with Java 7). And now I have not only a bad conscience, but I'm also quite disappointed that there is no sane way to express a simple left fold (no, reduce or collect won't cut it). Ugh.
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I detest the creator of Erlang
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