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Coding Confessional

Anonymous Confessions from Programmers.

Confess

Anonymous Confessions from Programmers.

Confess
Every day when I'm in the office, I overhear analysts and support engineers talking about bugs I wrote with phrases like "oh that's just the system that did that". I wonder if they're ever going to realize that it's my fault--even when i tell them it is ("Okay that's a bug I wrote can you email me the details so I can ticket it") they still blame "the system". It actually feels like I've got some weird curse-fog between me and them keeping our realities from intersecting...

Dear client, I know you did a google search or two and have some vague notions about how technology works. I'm here to tell you that you don't know shit and no amount of googling is gonna change that, please let me do my job.

I hate recruiters so much. Their opening pitch could be replaced with this template: 1. Brown-nose the prey a bit with some vague bs from two minutes of reading the LinkedIn profile, 2. Make vague references to clients (hint: we don't have them yet), 3. (optional) mention some positions that are completely unrelated to the area the prey works in to make it extra clear that you didn't do any research (PHP for a firmware developer with zero web experience - hey, why not), 4. mention that they prey will be anonymous throughout the process and try to make it seem like that's a good thing rather than just trying to prevent people from cutting out the middleman, 5. ask for a CV in some non-LinkedIn format where it's easier to remove all the identifying information and fuck it up in the process.

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So I've pretty much been a masochist since a young age. I started programming as a young kid and knew then that it wasn't something I really enjoyed. What the fuck is wrong with me that I went into this kind of work for a career? I need to stop trying to continually force myself to pick suicide.

When are we going to start hiring homeless people that I get to batter when I get angry. This desk can really only take so many hammer punches.

Oh of course it takes just a couple hours for your "pre-interview exercise". Wait, did you expect production quality full test coverage every change git-tracked deployed to public server that's of course secured and hardened code? OH GO FUCK YOURSELF

I know who the 'Go Fuck Yourself' guy is. I'm gonna pay him a visit tonight :)

I just had a realization. We (people working at software companies) cannot predict what will go wrong or how long things will take. Mainly because we don't have crystal balls around that tell the future. However the DEVs are the only ones accountable to reality (compiled solutions that work), so the business folks (people with their heads up their ass) look good no matter what, while we take all the blame.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9WIbwxGPA30&t=322s is football season over yet?

Great, let me sit and wait 20 seconds for my fucking cursor to turn back into a pointer. I AM SO GLAD I DECIDED TO DO THIS FAGGOT WORK FOR A LIVING!!

I confess the sin of sloth because I am too fucking lazy to give a shit about all the workarounds nessecary to work with you fucking Blub language.

I confess the sin of pride, in that I think I'm the caveman in the comic trying to explain why the round wheel is better than a square one to four cavemen who have no time to listen to me because they are busy trying to push a cart with square wheels.

I maintain an application that needed LDAP integration for more than just login and was encountering a lot of user complaints and access issue tickets, so I spent a week reading documentation and standing up a local LDAP server to test against... And fixed the issues! I got reported to my manager for "wasting time".

I write unit tests *sometimes*--I'm not a TDD fanatic, but I don't like not having at least a little CYA on some regressions--and judging by the way coworkers at the past two jobs have treated me for doing it, I'm wondering if more than 0% test coverage is unrealistic for any project.

I hate magic anythings with a passion. Why? Because they're only ever magic for people who have constrained themselves to work according to the original intention. So basically, if you have any sort of independent thinking (kinda a requirement for programming), things will break, and you won't know why unless you're willing to debug the stack from the bottom. Good luck jumping through literally dozens of layers of method passing just to figure out which part of the lasagna has the shit in it.

I hate how loud normies are. Constantly slamming doors, talking loudly, singing out-of-tune, etc. They don't seem to grasp the concept that you can hear what people a few rooms away is talking about pretty easily either, if you're not normie-loud yourself. Reeeeeeeeeeeeee.

"All programming methodologies have uses, tradeoffs, and optimal problem domains. Except if you don't use mine, then you're pretty much a caveman frothing at the mouth" - how most programming "philosophies" market themselves nowadays. Absolve if you think thats good; Condemn if you think its bad

I think filling out fields in Jira is erotic. Especially the 'component' and 'estimation' fields. Great sex life.

Everytime I mkdir and cd into a directory, I do an ls afterwards just to be sure it's really empty.

Know what's worse than an Indian? An Indian that has mental and behavioral issues yet refuses to take his medication.

I'm a Java developer, but I'd love to gargle on your veiny 6-incher.

I'm a Java developer, but I hate coffee...